That damn bot
by Yumiii
Summary: Kaname and Zero receive a gift from Yuuki, and it just may be the beginning of Zero's nightmares. Warning for major OOC-ness, language and a pinch of KanameXZero loves. Sequel of CrossAcademy chatroom.
1. Birthday suit

-laughs- here's another totally random, totally cracked and insane doing on my mentally crazy self :D For all those who had read the cross academy chatroom (that was unfortunately taken down), i'm sure you'll come to remember a certain someone in _here_.

Warning for major OOC-ness, language and a pinch of KanameXZero loves.

* * *

**That damn bot**

"What the hell is this?" Zero exclaimed the very moment he stepped into Kaname's room. The latter had been sitting on his bed, reading a manual of some sort.

Kaname glanced up at his partner to acknowledge his arrival, but he had been absorbed into reading the material in his hand to actually give Zero a proper greeting.

"It's Yuuki's present to us, apparently."

Zero eyed the hedious looking thing in the middle of the room, a mere foot away from where Kaname sat. The thing resembled a robot, stood about twenty inches tall, and on two stubby legs with two pincer arms on its side. It eyes were made of Xs, and a flat line for a mouth. It had two antennas and...

"Is _that_ a penis?!" Zero burst out, not knowing whether he ought to actually be laughing or being disgusted at the thing hanging out from the middle of the bot. It was a wire, but alike the antennas on its head, had a little bulb at the end.

The brunette glanced at said object, and shook his head. "You have such a dirty mind, Zero."

Frowning at the insult he had just received, the hunter crossed his arms and scoffed. "Then you tell me what it is supposed to represent."

"A penis."

"...Kaname, you're a jerk, you know that."

"As you call me that everyday," Kaname chuckled. "It's a robot, as you can see... But I'll have you know I'll defend it with my life, just before I tell you what its name is."

Wondering what would be so special about it, Zero rolled his eyes and proceeded to ask what it was.

"Yumiii-bot."

...

...

...

"I'm going to kill it."

"No, I forbid you to do that," the pureblood countered, standing from where he sat just in case this was going to be a full blown war. "It's Yuuki's present to us, and you're going to destroy it?"

"That thing has got to be the worst creation in the entire universe," Zero said as he stormed over. "I can't believe Yuuki actually had an actual Yumiii-bot. I thought it was just an AI thing-"

"-which Yuuki and her friends had expertly crafted into this present for us. Surely you aren't that unappreciative to destroy such a wonderful masterpiece," the brunette sneered. "She did make it specially for us, too," he continued, exploiting Zero's occasional weakness.

The hunter stiffened a little. He had the tendency to treasure whatever Yuuki gave him, but really... this damn bot...

"I have the manual here," Kaname said, waving the stapled booklet he held. "It functions like a mini butler."

"Some mini butler," Zero grumbled, staring down at the short object. He squatted before it, staring at its face. "Are you sure it's not going to murder us in our sleep or something? How do you turn this thing on anyway?" He muttered out as he started prodding its face.

"Hm... I wouldn't think so..." Kaname replied as he flipped through the manual. He barely noticed Zero still abusing the bot. "It says to switch it on, flick the third antenna..."

"This?" Zero asked and flicked said one. He assumed that the third one was the one in the middle so...

"No, wait, that's not right..." Kaname said belatedly. Zero was frowning and about to tell the other to read instructions carefully when he let out a yelp. The pureblood glanced back at Zero, only to find that the bot had opened its mouth and was latched onto his partner's finger. Creepily enough, the mouth had tiny serrations and it was making the hunter bleed.

"Zero!" Kaname called out in concern, getting down beside the other and shoved at the bot's head. However, in turn, the robot bit Kaname as well, and this time it was Zero who had to save him.

"See? I told you we should've killed it!" Zero barked as he licked away the blood spilling from his finger. Kaname had been licking his own finger, and Zero's words were being contemplated in his head. Vampire or not, nothing was getting away with biting his lover.

Before either vampires could make another comment, though, the bot started to make pressurised noises, before seemingly going haywire. Its head turned three-sixty degrees severeal times, as did its pincer arms. That freaked the couple a little, wondering what in the world was wrong with it.

A few moments later the bot died down, and it remained motionless, save a small puff of smoke emitting from its behind.

"Er... well electronics don't do well with liquid, don't they?" Zero questioned as he eyed the bot carefully.

"It's pretty unfortunate if it just breaks down just like that, thought," Kaname was tempted to pout at the loss of an interesting toy. He tapped the bot's head a little, and it jerked all of a sudden, startling the two.

"_ZSSSHHHH_... _processing... complete. Data, analysed. Subjects confirmed: Kuran Kaname, Kiryuu Zero_," the bot sounded. Its voice was very mechanical and monotonous.

"Erm... Kaname..."

"_Define: Kaname. Version 1.2: O Kana, kana. Where art thou Kana. Thy lips I miss, to sendeth me off to nirvana._"

"... Yuuki or not, I'm killing this bot," Zero declared. Kaname behind him was chuckling at the redness that was creeping to his cheek.

"This really reminds me of the chatroom bot."

"It's probably the same damn thing. Version 1.2? What is this, an upgrade?" The hunter huffed out. What got him a little more annoyed was that whilst the bot was defining the name, it was making dramatic spins and positioning of arms as if doing a performance.

"_Upgrade, denied. Please contact the ruler of this world for further assistance_."

"... Did Yuuki just named herself the 'ruler of this world'?"

Kaname was simply being highly amused by the bot. The fact that it responded relatively well to word commands reflected the amount of effort his sister had spent fixing up this toy.

"Bah, whatever. Is that your drink?" Zero asked as he walked over to the bedside table where a cup was.

"Yeah, go ahead. It's just water," Kaname replied absently as he continued analyzing the bot before him. He heard his partner give a lazy response, and just as he heard Zero pick the cup up, the bot's head turned towards Zero's direction and sounded.

"_Sharing of drinks might cause you to contract STDs._"

That ended in Zero sputtering on the contents that were halfway down his throat. Wiping away the stray trails of water, he glared at the short mechanical figurine.

"What the hell?! STDs aren't transmitted by... They're..." Zero muttered incoherently, and his face was in a darker shade of red than before.

"_Saliva transmitted diseases._"

The hunter's finger's were twitching to destroy the bot once and for all.

"Define Zero, version 1.1," Kaname said.

"_Define Zero. Version 1.1: Zero is an infinite 'thing'. I see him wearing a g-string._"

"KANAME!"

"Define Zero, version 1.2."

"_Define Zero. Version 1.2: Zero lost the g-string that was cute. Now it's time for the birthday suit._"

"Well this is amusing. It's that same one as the chatroom, alright," the pureblood was chuckled to himself in pure amusement. Zero was rolling his eyes at the very, very stupid definitions which didn't even mean a thing.

"Yeah, right. Me and a birthday suit," he scoffed to himself.

"_Request: Birthday suit,"_ the bot started shaking a little on the very spot that it stood. The two vampires blinked._ "Request: granted_."

"What do you mean gra- ARGH!" Zero yelped out when the stubby pincer arms of the robot elongated and started in his direction. Within seconds, clothes were being scattered to the other corner of the room. The occurence was even too quick even for the pureblood to act, but it was mostly because Kaname had been too stunned.

By the time he was actually able to digest what had just happened, Zero was already on the floor, stark naked. The hunter looked as if he was on the verge on tears.

"Wow," was all Kaname could manage out, staring at his partner's form.

"Is that all you can say?! I just got violated by a stupid bot and you just stood there and watched it happen!" Zero glared at his lover accusingly. As he continued shooting off profanities at Kaname, the brunette simply stared at the hunter, the latter's words going unheard.

All Kaname's head could register was how sexily cute Zero was on the floor, arms around himself to save his modesty. His legs were flexed, trying to subconsciously trying to hide his lower half. Of course, seeing each other naked was a form of shyness shoved under the bed ages ago, but it still never failed to hijack all his senses when all clothing was shed.

After another string of profanities were being sent across (and Kaname processing none), it was Zero's final line that had actually caused him to snap out his trance. "Oi, Kaname, your nose is bleeding."

Wondering if it was even physiologically possible for a vampire, the brunette cleared his throat as he raised a hand to brush the underside of his nose. True enough, he came in contact with something moist and came to see the redness staining his thumb. "It must be the weather."

"_Weather forecast_," the bot piped up after Kaname spoke. "_Cool, breezy evening ahead, with a chance of a shower, soap and sex._"

Kaname ended up actually giving a hearty laugh and Zero was burning up in embarassment. Getting up and seizing the front of the pureblood's shirt, he started giving the other an earful.

"What's wrong with that? It does happen sometimes, as a matter of fact," Kaname coughed away the amusement from his tone. However, seeing Zero get so worked up because of something as silly as this was always enjoyable.

"Read between the lines, you twit," Zero hissed out. "It means that Yuuki knows what we've been doing."

The brunette rolled his eyes. "It doesn't take a lot to guess what we're doing when that sexy voice of yours echoes through the walls of the entire dormitory. "

If possible, Zero's face turned even redder. "I thought the walls are sound proof!"

"Oh you know, a few cracks here and there..."

The hunter buried his face in his hands. "Oh my god... I can't face anyone anymore..."

"What does it matter, anyway. I love you, and that's all there is to it," Kaname smiled as he circled his arms around the other.

A nerve on the ex-human's temple twitched. Zero growled angrily and slapped off all the hands that tried to grab him. He retrieved all his clothing and pointed at his lover. "Kuran Kaname. Until you get rid of that damn bot, you can keep your hands to yourself," he declared and stormed out the room.

Kaname blinked at the door that was nearly torn off its hinges. Laughing to no one in particular, he crossed his arms as he heard Zero being a tyrant in the hallway, wondering where the hunter might've ran off to. He side glanced to the bot that had been silent all these while, and smirked.

"Zero, Birthday suit."

"_Request: birthday suit," _the bot jiggled a little on its spot, before walking in the direction of the doorway._ "Request: granted_."

A minute later, Kaname could distinctly hear Zero's voice shouting, along with Hanabusa, Akatsuki and Takuma's.

_So that's where he went._

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LOL is just about the only thing I can say ahaha. Anyone want a chapter 2?


	2. Sayonara, Hanabusa

**That damn bot**

Chapter 2: Sayonara, Hanabusa

Zero sipped from his tea cup where he sat on the couch, cross-legged. It was almost creepy seeing the hunter this calm, and it was making the other three vampires nervous. Yes, a teacup-spping-Zero is scary as hell.

Hanabusa couldn't help but stare at the small figure sitting in the middle of the room, mummified by yellow 'keep out' tape. Just moments ago, a small robot that had strolled into the common room. Only Takuma had noticed it, and was commenting about how adorable it was and picked it up. Who knew, within the next second, its arm extended out in the direction of an unsuspecting Zero (whose back was facing the doorway where he sat).

Even before anyone could process anything, a naked Zero was on the couch, glaring at Takuma. Hanabusa swore that he had never seen the hunter this angry before. Everyone started yelling when Bloody Rose appeared out of nowhere and pointed dangerously in Takuma's direction.

Saved by his friends who intervened, the vice-dorm leader took a while to collect his soul which nearly left his body from fright. It had been ages since Zero pulled the gun out on any of the Night Class vampires; most of them even forgot that the boy had a gun.

"So let me get this straight. This is the physical form of _that _Yumiii-bot?" Hanabusa questioned slowly. When the name was mentioned, the bot jiggled a little within its tape wrapping.

"Indeed. Yuuki gave this gift to Kaname and me," Zero responded smoothly as he placed his cup down on the table surrounded by couches. He leaned back, relaxed and _smiled_. "I ought to pay her a visit as thanks."

A cold child went down the aristocrats' spines. Nothing good ever came from Zero when he _smiled_.

"So erm... What exactly are we going to do with it?" Hanabusa questioned.

"Akatsuki, do me a great favour and burn it, won't you?" Zero answered.

The flame wielder blinked. "Are you sure?"

"I am completely against that decision," a certain brunette's voice piped up from the entryway.

"Kaname-sama," the aristocrats greeted. With a nod, Kaname walked over to Zero who was throwing daggers at him visually. The former took a seat on the large armrest of the couch Zero sat on, often displaying some out of character-ness when in front of his lover and closest people.

"Surely you're not destroying the present?"

"You will not run by that sly reasoning. The last time I hesitated, something _terrible_ happened," the hunter growled out. He had even smacked the hand that tried to encircle his shoulders.

"Alright, I promise not to do anything to you with the bot," Kaname said sincerely. That had Zero meet his gaze, albeit suspiciously. "You have my word."

Letting a sigh of defeat, Zero merely flicked his hands a few time, indicating that the brunette could do whatever he wanted. Provided that he kept the promise. With that, Kaname tilted his head in the direction of the bot, and Hanabusa was the first to heed the unsaid order. The blond stripped the tape off, cringing a little when the humanoid started jiggling again.

"So what now?" Takuma asked out of curiosity.

"I merely promised Zero that I would not let the bot do anything to him... But I am still interested in experimenting, and seeing what other things he can do." This time, it was Kaname who _smiled_. Another chill went down a certain artistocrat's spine.

When it came down to experimenting, there would always only be one person.

"Ahh... Kaname-sama... I... er- was meant to meet up with Senri in the library... yeah!" Hanabusa stuttered, hands up as if in a surrender.

"Yumiii-bot, detain Hanabusa," Kaname ordered out loud.

"_Name: Hanabusa; identified - subject confirmed. Request: detain, granted_," the bot echoed.

The blond was sure he tried to run at vampiric speed to flee, but the pincer arms of the bot had already seized him by the upper arms. In fact, it was horrendously powerful that it lifted the vampire off the ground, placing him in front of the seated pureblood who wore a cheshire smile.

"The manual mentioned something about mind control. I'd like to see how effective it is," Kaname humored the other who looked like he was about to break out in tears. Even Zero felt a little sorry for the aristocrat.

"K-k-kaname-sama!?"

"Mind control Hanabusa."

"_Request: mind control Hanabusa. Request: granted_."

Using its pincer arms as a lever, the body of the bot rose ascended and sat itself on Hanabusa's shoulders. The pincers released and the and reattached itself on the blond's temple, resembling two magnets attached to side of the latter's head. Just as Hanabusa was about to retaliate as a reflex, a jolt of current zapped through his head, his pupils dilating for a split second. His hands that were initially going to detach the bot from his shoulder fell to his side, and Hanabusa's chin dropped to his chest like a person gone limp.

"Dorm leader... are you sure this won't hurt him...?" The cousin asked out of concern.

"There are no adverse effects, I assure you," Kaname smiled, clearly amused by what the bot had done to Hanabusa. "Maybe a slight headache or two, but Hanabusa is a strong person."

Takuma merely sighed at how his best friend could be such a nuisance sometimes, and being especially mean to Hanabusa.

"Hanabusa?" Akatsuki called out, wondering if his relative was still alive. He almost guessed not due to the lack of movement, but it was when the bot _farted_ that the blond's head jerked up, eyes looking glazed.

"Orders, sir," Hanabusa suddenly piped up, sounding like a soldier. His body stood upright at attention.

"So it does work," Zero mused slightly. Though the look on Hanabusa's face was blank, there was an underlying seriousness about it that even the hunter could grow to like. Sometimes, the real Hanabusa could be such a douche to begin with. He wanted to test this mind control out. "Cup."

Without further ado, 'Hanabusa' reached forward and picked the cup Zero had placed down earlier, and held it out for the hunter to take. With both hands, even.

"I could get used to this," the hunter mused, earning a rather disapproving look from the mind-controlled's cousin.

"Deep inside that masochist streak is a hidden sadism, isn't there?" Kaname chuckled out, playing with the ends of the silver hair. "Such a slave driver."

Zero decided to bump the hand away with an elevated shoulder. "Shut up. I am not a masochist," he growled, but without hostility. "And look who's talking about slave driver."

"I have no clue what you mean," the pureblood mused.

"Say 'define vampire'."

Kaname raised a brow. "'Define vampire'."

The bot on top of Hanabusa's head recognised the order and sounded instead of his vampire victim. "_Define: Vampire. Kaname version 1.1: My people, my race, my slaves." _

"See?" Zero pointed out with a cocked eyebrow. Akatsuki and Takuma on the sidelines were stifling laughters.

The brunette let out a brief chuckle, but one that screamed evil. "Now, Takuma, Akatsuki, if could, please step outside the room for a moment."

Said people raised their eyebrows in question, as did a certain hunter who frowned instead. Takuma and Akatsuki tossed each other a look first, before shrugging and stepping out of the seats. When they stepped out of the door, there was the evident clicking noise of the door lock.

"What do you think Kaname's up to?" The blond asked the redhead quietly as they flanked the doors on either side.

"No good, judging by the look the dorm leader gave," Akatsuki replied, deadpan.

"Well, he can be pretty sadistic..."

"_No! Stop!_"

The two standing by the doorway froze at the voice that belonged to Zero.

"_Kaname, I said sto-ah!_"

Peering at each other, Takuma's jaw dropped slightly, whereas Akatsuki actually wore a surprised look. Without a word, they both knew what to suspect. Takuma gave an awkward smile and decided to plug his ears with his fingers. Akatsuki settled for staring at the staircase that was nearby. He tried to defean out the muffled cries of the hunter mentally, but heard something which made him stiffen.

"_I'm gonna-_"

This time it Akatsuki mimicked Takuma, finding that it was possibly once of the best gestures ever-

_BAM! _

The aristocrats stared wide eyed at the side of Hanabusa sprawled on the floor, seemingly knocked out. The bot fell off in the process just before the blond made down the stairs by rolling. Hanabusa laid knocked out, facedown at the base of the stairway. The two aristocrats at the top of it stared, bewildered.

"I swear, I will murder you if you ever touch me again!" There was Zero's voice, roaring from the inside of the room. Akatsuki and Takuma were once again rendered speechless when they saw the hunter exit the room with large, quick strides. His clothes were disheveled, and so was his hair. Kaname was hot on his heels, a grin on his face. The couple made in the direction of their own room, never once noticing Takuma or Akatsuki by the doorway.

"That was weird," the blond commented. Akatsuki merely shrugged and made his way down the staircase to pick his cousin up. Hanabusa, who had been lying face down, started to groan as he pushed himself up onto all fours. "Are you okay?"

"Does it look like I'm okay!?" Hanabusa cried out, turning his face to glower at his relative. That was when the other two saw a pretty red shade on the blond's cheek. "I got mind controlled, made to serve tea and forced to _tickle_ Zero! And look what I get!"

Takuma, who remained at the top of the staircase, shook his head. He supposed the person being mind-controlled was still aware of the happenings, but simply unable to act out of their own accord. Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw the fallen bot, jiggling about on the floor on its back. It resembled a turtle on a shell, unable to get back on its feet.

"?" Curious to know what it would do, Takuma placed it on its feet. Immediately, it started towards the stairway.

"_Request: mind control Hanabusa," _it announced in its mechanical voice.

"GET THAT DAMN BOT AWAY FROM ME!"

* * *

Looks like Zero's not the only one who hates Yumiii-bot now :D

Chapter 3? What would you like Yumiii-bot to do?


End file.
